So, I tried to buy myself clothes. Apparently I can fit into any shirt or shoe that I desire, but the pant and bra express has left the station. Since these are the items I really needed to buy, I feel more discouraged and grumpy than before my little shopping expedition. If I could get the pants over my formidable ass, I was left with miles of fabric around the waist. If I could get a bra to span the vast valley that is my mommy boobies, the 22 hooks flapped uselessly in the wind. I am not a monster, I just actually have a waist in between my enormous boobs and gigantic butt . I left the fitting rooms almost in tears. Stupid, stupid clothing designers. Stupid, stupid size 14 ass. When retail therapy fails you where do you turn? Personally, I turn into the drivethru. I snarffed down two chocolate chip and M&M cookies and a 6 pack of mozzarella sticks. Which of course leads to an even more imposing ass. My intellect is amazing.
The other highlight of my day was our trip to the dentist. The Kid did well. No cavities. Except for a minor meltdown (“Mommy I don’t want a boy to look in my mouth!”), everything went smoothly for her. As we were leaving, the dentist said that he could squeeze my xrays and cleaning in before his next appointment. No cavities for me either, despite not having seen the inside of a dentist office in 4 years. I got off with only a slight warning about flossing more and drinking less coffee.( WTF? I know they don’t really know me or anything, but anyone could look at me and see that I would be nothing without my morning cuppa. Really, I would just be a monolithic-assed blob of mom jelly.) The dental hygentist also mentioned that I have a lot of saliva. If someone random mention this to me (like I have this conversation with everyone. Excuse me sir, but do you believe that I have an excess of saliva?), I wouldn’t think much of it. But this is from the dental hygentist. She knows her saliva. I am thinking, “Whoa I must have huge pools of the stuff in there.” Now I am worried about the amount of saliva I am producing everyday. What if it is too much? What if I choke on my massive amounts of saliva? Suddenly, I am thinking about it and can’t catch up with the rivers of saliva flowing through my mouth (like when the doctor tells you to breath deeply, but suddenly you can’t remember how to breath at all. Is this just me?). And on and on and on….. Don’t people know they can’t mention things like that to me? My mind goes into hyperdrive and I can’t. let. go. Okay, I am letting go.
It is times like these that we understand how people can become obese so easily!!
On the note of saliva, I’d be wondering if I were a sloppy kisser and didn’t know it. First thing that came to my mind anyways.
Ahhhh! Thank-you, MyKidsMom. If you will excuse me, now I have to make random phone calls to everyone I ever dated to see if I was a sloppy kisser.
Are you preggo right now? They say that causes excess saliva, so it could be temporary.
I’d like to note that I, too, am in the too-big-boobs and too-big-bum for the rest of my body. My other issue? I have to buy wide leg pants all the time because according to industry standards, my thighs are gigantic compared to my butt/waist.
You’ll probably have to start buying specialty bras, which suck financially but are sooooooo comfortable. I usually go to the specialty stores, write down my size and all the brands/styles I like (specifically) that I tried on, then buy them online. I’ve saved hundreds (hundreds!) of dollars by doing this. I’ve found that Figleaves.co.uk has the best prices, and they ship for free. I got 3 bras, 6 matching panties, a garter belt and silk stockings for $300. The bras alone, if I bought them in town would have cost me $450 (average of about $150 each). So that’s my tip on the bra front (I’ve had a teeny rib cage and large, large cup sizes for years, and this is the best way that I have found).
For pants, I like the Gap’s Long and Lean style. For some reason, and maybe because the way their cut, I find that they don’t gap around the waist as much. They have many different styles, so you might find something that works for you there. Right now, I love the roll-down maternity pants, even though they fall down. No bulges!
I usually end shopping trips with ice cream or iced coffee. Yeah, it doesn’t help the physical situation, but at least I wouldn’t go home and tear my husband’s head off!
Ha! I wish I was pregnant, then at least I would have an excuse. No I take that back. I hated being pregnant. I am just still battling the bulge from baby number two. One of my resolutions this year was to stop obsessing about my weight. Obviously I have failed. I guess I should just do something about it, hmmm?
I’ve found that it’s never worked for me (the losing weight part) unless I was motivated. Just before I got myself all knocked up (ha ha ha!), I lost 10 pounds (good thing, too). I think the only reason that I actually lost any weight was because Rob wouldn’t let me buy any new clothes, so I HAD to lose a few pounds so my stuff would at least kind of fit again. It was better than before, but I probably could have stood to lose another 10-20 lbs.
And I’ve never been able to stop obsessing. I think it’s just part of who I am, now.