I am scared of change. There, I’ve said it. So, lets move on. Only, wait. I can’t move on because I am terrified. of. change.
Suddenly, I have found myself sitting on the edge of a precipice. A huge gorge is spread out in front of me and I can’t decide the best way down to the water. The sweet, sweet water. Did I mention that I am thirsty? I am parched and I need that damn water. But I can’t decide because I am scared. Scared of the changes that going down into that canyon mean. Scared to give up the lovely life I have built up here in the highlands. I am terrified of the prospect of making those changes and uncertain of how much I am willing to give up to find my way down. Have you followed me all the way into Crazyland?
In my 28 years I have lived in 11 different houses. That’s a new house every 2-3 years. In my 13 schooling years, I attended 8 different schools. I’ve done a lot of changing. I promised myself that I wouldn’t put my kids through the same thing. I won’t make them give up their rooms and their friends just as they started to get settled into a new town. This promise to myself means everything to me. I won’t put my kids through the uncertainty and the drama of constantly moving and unpacking and repacking. Then, doing it all over again in a year. In order to keep this promise to myself I need to make a couple of very tough decisions, very quickly.
I took the Kid to her Kindergarten check-up this week. This means that, come August, she will be entering school here. In this town. There will be no moving away and no changes. Now, I am uncertain. I feel like this decision has popped up out of nowhere, instead of slowly building over the last 4 1/2 years. I am trying to make friends here, trying to find roots here. I am trying to desperately attach myself to this place, this town, so that I won’t be able to leave it. I want to leave. I want to pack us up and move away from the poverty and the sadness that surrounds this place. Then, I want to stay. I want to have my kids grow up with the security of rural life. I want them to have the ability to run outside and play. To hang onto childhood for as long as possible in a way that is only available in a place like this. I am not sure that we are ready to go back to apartment life. We’ll miss the space and the freedom of (sort-of) homeowning. I am undecided and the decision can’t wait. If we are going to leave, we need to do it now. This summer. No matter which way I turn I am faced with change.
If we decide to stay, I am tied to this house, this town, my inlaws, for a very long time. I need to wrap my head around the idea that we won’t be leaving. I need to resign myself to having this life that I am not sure that I want. I loved my old life. I loved the city and the cars and the people watching. I miss going outside and looking at the lights and feeling safe with the familiar hustle. If we go, we need to decide where to go. What school district? What neighborhood? Heavy decisions that I am not sure I am prepared to face. I love this life, too. I love knowing that I can walk outside at night and see a million stars. I love feeling safe letting my kids out into the yard. I would miss the quiet, the serenity. I am undecided and I am afraid to decide.
Only, the deciding won’t wait. I have spent a lot of time in my head lately. Is it obvious?
You’re not crazy, mama. According the history you’ve described, you equate change with your stability being compromised, a perfectly natural response considering all the uprooting you’ve had to do, and having no real say in the matter. Try to remind yourself that now the changes are within your control, not someone else, and changes can equate to growth, rather than disruption. Again, you’re not crazy. You’re sticking your big toe in, and the water’s a lil chilly. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re just figuring things out. =)
I think you should really, really check out the school system and decide whether you’ll be happy with it all the way through high school. We didn’t do that and now we’re really in a tough spot, because the schools are crappy but we really can’t move right now. (I’m sure you’ve read about that before.)
Dame – Thank you. Sometimes a reminder that I am not crazy is the most valuable response that I can get. I think I may need to hire you to be my therapist. I read your reply and I had to get up and walk away and then come back and read it again. You are right, change can equate growth. Now, I just need to be willing to grow instead of hiding behind my fears. The Kid’s check-up sent me into a tailspin. I have time to figure things out, it only seems like I don’t.
BookMama- I have checked out the school system. The local elementary is k-8. The kindergarten classes are only 15 kids each. It is supposed to be one of the best schools in our county. The nearest highschool isn’t the best but we have the option of sending her to another highschool that isn’t too much farther. I think the real problem is me. What am I willing to give up and for how long? I am really not sure.
Hi,
I just found your blog, and I’m getting a kick out of it. In so many ways, you sound just like me (I found you on a search for fellow FlyBaby bloggers).
We moved to rural North Florida from the Tampa area four years ago. In so many ways, I love the country, and I don’t think I could ever go back to the rat race. But, it is a big adjustment.
How often do you get to go to a “real” city? I still go shopping in Tampa/Clearwater atleast twice a year. It’s a 2 1/2 hr. drive one way, but it is worth it. When I get home, I’m so happy to hear myself think, that I realize any inconveniences are well worth it in the end.
Maybe a trip to the city before school starts would help. Pick up a real estate magazine while you’re there. For me, the price increases in the last four years would cure that ailment.
I hope you make the right decision. Atleast you’re thinking, and not just making gut reactions you might regret later.
Choices are sometimes hard, and sometimes scary. but in the end, it is your and your husband’s choice to make. Sometimes we sacrifice a little bit of ourselves to make the right choice for our kids and for our families, but only you can decide what sacrifices are worth it and what sacrifices you can live with, with out resenting your husband and your kids. At least you are thinking it over enough that you will own your decision, rather than just taking the default of decision by indecision. Hang in there!